Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Old Man Winter can suck my left nut! (it's my birthday)

I am looking at the pictures from Alabama and Georgia, and hearing the stories of children being forced to spend the night in their schools because the roads were impassible. As I do so I wonder why the schools and businesses didn't close before the storm started. I knew it was going to snow there. CNN did nothing but talk about it. You were warned.

I learned personally back in 2004 how a half inch of snow could shut down Atlanta. What did they think three inches of snow would do, give them magic powers? When I was in college I drove home on Lake Shore Drive in the middle of a valentine's day snowstorm. After six inches of snow fell, the CTA bus in front of me couldn't move anymore. Instead of waiting to be rescued, the passengers emptied out and we motorists nearby drove them home. I met two lovely women that night. We didn't complain or wait for the national guard to get us. We took care of business!
Fact of the matter is, people in the upper mid-west are the heartiest bunch of pragmatic bastards the world has ever seen. We adapt, improvise, and overcome better than the rest of the nation. Notice how no zombie apocalypse has ever been envisioned to take place in Chicago, Minneapolis, or Milwaukee? There's a reason. We crap bigger things than zombies here.

I applaud my fellow brethren from Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Indiana. (Iowa and Missouri, you're close to joining the club - keep trying). We are the toughest S.O.B.'s this world has ever seen. We don't feel pain like other states do so don't try to knock us down. It just won't work.

I was born during the record single storm event, 27 inch snowfall, in Chicago in 1967. That couldn't stop me when I was a baby. I'm the freaking Harry Potter of winter! Grow up, North and South Carolina! Gird your loins Tennessee and Kentucky! The next ice age is coming and you're gonna see me riding a glacier through your back yards heading for Texas!

Yee Ha!