Friday, December 9, 2011


I am almost 45 years old. My left hip gets sore when winter comes around. I occasionally see a floater go by in my left eye. And the music does seem to be getting a little loud these days.

No doubt about it, I am getting older.

And yet, in my heart is a foolish, sophomoric child who still laughs at the simplest concepts. I can not say Kotex without giggling. Seeing Moe poke Curley in the eyes makes me do a spit take. And, when someone breaks wind (that's what old people say, right?) I will guarantee you a belly based guffaw.

Last night after dropping our older son off for a boy scout meeting, my wife and I escaped to grab a coffee at Starbucks. On the way we started musing about the need for new euphemisms to describe when an unknown assailant farts.

I grew up with, "Who cut the cheese?" and "Who ripped one?" These were the standards. Some phrases I have come to know referred to the sound instead of the smell. In Caddyshack Rodney Dangerfield let one fly and asked, "Who stepped on a Duck?" My first wife introduced me to the phrase, "A mouse just drove by in a sports car." Barely worth a smile if you ask me. The humorous and colloquial description of the act of producing flatus definitely needs updating. Here is what my wife and I came up with. I hope those of you who are young at heart will laugh along with us. If you do not laugh, I am betting you are way too serious.

Our Top Ten New Euphemisms for Farting: 
(make sure to say them with appropriate disgust in your voice)

10. Beef: It's Not What's For Dinner!
9. Who's Frying Porkchops?
8. Somebody Yelled At The Pope!
7. Who Licked Big Foot?
6. Someone Plowed Their Pants!
5. Who Shot Dr. Seuss?
4. Someone's Pumping Premium!
3. Who's Playing Ass Harmonica?
2. Today's Flavor: Rancid!

And the number 1 New Euphemism for Farting...
1. Taste The Rainbow!

Stay Silly My Friends.