Wednesday, May 24, 2017

This blog post will be doubleplusgood

Isn't it wonderful that George Orwell's dystopic-before-the-word-dystopic-was-cool novel, "1984," is experiencing a resurgence at the bookstores? Our conception that all news is fake, and that shadowy organizations are limiting the truth from us, seems to proliferate the zeitgeist. But why should this bring about an uptick in sales for "1984?" Let me start by looking at the Primary theme in "1984" that we discussed in my eighth grade English class, which was coincidentally back in 1981.

Big Brother

Certainly we've been aware that a Big Brother exists well before now. It's Google, and the dozens of other information partners that allow the Federal Government and an infinite number of Private Corporations to plow through our personal information which we freely share with them for the sake of convenience. Such outrage we all had when we found out our texts and photos were being data mined! Then we remembered that without Google and the like, we'd have to start keeping paper calendars and whipping out the palm pilots again, and we decided letting them look at our data wasn't so bad after all. Then the DNC's plot to kill the campaign of Bernie Sanders came to light. So it's not Google, but the DNC, they're Big Brother! Wait... wait... what about the Alt Right? And the panelists on The View? Oh, hold on, don't forget Hollywood's Gay Mafia. Are they all Big Brother? Did they all conspire to earn more royalties for "1984?" The simple answer, I guess so.

Well, I cleared all of that up. 2017 marks the fruition of George Orwell's vision. We have no privacy, and "1984" is still a big seller. But hold on. "1984" was clearly written about the communists and how they edited history based on their political system. Look at this.

Here is a side by side photograph of members of the Soviet Era space program. Let's go all "Highlights" magazine on this one and ask, can you find all the differences in theses pictures? If you're stuck, let me give you a hand. One of these guys fell out of favor with the party, and was erased from the picture. Pretty sneaky, eh? I hear what you're saying, why not just throw the picture away if you don't want to see Ivan any more. Simple. This is much worse. Hey, wasn't Ivan in that picture? What are you on about? Who's Ivan? This is the world of "1984," where Winston sits at his desk and revises news stories to doctor details toward the favorable, and eliminate key players who are now disgraced. Is this really where we find ourselves today? Too bad Ivan didn't have a facebook account. Then again, maybe this is where the idea of face swapping came from.

Thus, conclusively I've proven that our society is no closer to the world depicted in "1984," until I consider Ariana Grande.


One of the clearly ignore themes of "1984" is how the English Socialist (IngSoc) system seeks to limit creativity and philosophy by shrinking the English language through Newspeak. Periodically words are removed from the lexicon which requires the construction of new words from the ones that remain. If something is good, it remains good. If it's really good, instead of being marvelous, or special, or indescribable, it becomes plusgood.

Ice cream = good
Steak = plusgood
Orgasm = doubleplusgood

Ed, there are a lot of mother's out there concerned that you have written the words orgasm and Ariana Grande in the same blog. Explain yourself. Follow along, children. As I write these words, the world is reeling from another senseless terrorist attack carried out by an Islamic extremist, this time after an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester England. The audience was decidedly young, and right now the death toll stands at 22, with the youngest victim identified as 8 years old. Social media is reacting just the way we've grown accustomed to, a mix of sorrow, anger, and rehashing of the time Ariana Grande said she hates Americans.

Yes, it's true. In 2015, Ms. Grande was caught by a security camera saying the words, "I hate Americans. I hate America." What inspired the hatred of her home country and it's citizens? It should come as no surprise that it was in reaction to donuts.

Ariana and her boyfriend were in a donut shop looking at trays of Homer Simpson's favorites. Then she did the unthinkable. When the clerk turned away, Ariana moved in and motioned as if she was licking one of the donuts. Then more donuts arrived! I would be outraged as well, Ms. Grande, so it doesn't seem weird at all that more donuts, God's greatest gift to mankind, would inspire you to say, "I hate America. I hate Americans." She said it, not me. I suppose everyone's entitled to their own, wackadoo take on the evils of America, but given what just happened after her concert, the word choice seems beyond poor, but maybe it's just an example of Ariana, and everyone born after 1990, practicing newspeak.

Our vocabulary is shrinking, and it's not because of an oppressive political party. We are gladly giving it away and with it our ability to fully express how we feel and what we experience, and I want to see it stop. I'd like to share with you now the rules I am giving to my children about the words they use to describe their experiences. Number one, "Hate" is reserved for Adolph Hitler level evil shit. How can you describe your feelings for math class in the same terms that you describe how you feel about the mastermind of the Holocaust? You can't. Likewise, Love is reserved for describing my feelings for people special to my heart. Should I really use the same word to express my feelings for chocolate ice cream as I do to express my feelings for my wife and children? No. I love my wife. I love my children. Bacon double cheeseburgers are close, but I really find them satisfying and flavorful.

With regard to the "hate" speech, back in 2015 Ariana's press agent explained that she said the hated America because of all the bad food choices that were available. Let's take a lesson from Ariana. Expand your vocabulary. Expand your feelings. Make the feeling of love special again. Learn new words to express how you feel, and use them.